Love and Suicide Don't Hold Hands

   Last night, I decided to watch the 2011 film of "The Deep Blue Sea". I can say that it was a good film, though it definitely was not what I expected it to be. The way in which it was filmed had a haunting sort of beauty to it. There was normally no music; and if there was, it was the saddest string music ever to be heard. There would be the occasional singing at the bars or in the tunnels, but other then that, the movie was silence. I think this made the dialogue between the characters richer. It made it realistic, as though you were sitting in the room with them at that very moment. If anything, I believe the film was more focused on the character's emotions or thoughts instead of how impressive the filming was. It was kept simple, because what mattered was getting into the character's heads.
   That was not the only thing that shocked me about the film. What first surprised me was the beginning. The main woman, Hester, was attempting a suicide. She did not succeed, for some people found her and revived her. From there, the movie explains who she is, where she's come from, what she is living for and what she was trying to escape from. In short, her past consisted of marrying a rather old man, not liking her life there and then meeting a younger man, Freddie, who she falls desperately in love with. Her husband, Bill, finds out and doesn't care that she leaves, but he makes the matter difficult by not filing the divorce. So she can live her scandal, but it would be more of a scandal because she was still married. Nevertheless it all takes place and she leaves him. Her suicide attempt came from, I believe, spite to the young man who didn't seem to be present on important occasions. He had forgotten her birthday and was not there to celebrate it. She had wrote a letter to him so he could find it after she was dead, but since that never took place, he accidentally finds the letter and is hurt deeply. The rest of the film proceeds in a manner of her trying to make everything right again.
   Now the matter I wish to discuss here is what I noticed were some of the responses on the internet to this movie. Considering her suicidal state, most did not like the fact the Freddie left her after finding out what she had almost done. At first, I agreed with them, thinking "She just tried to kill herself that day and the best thing he thinks he can do to stabilize her is to leave? She'll probably attempt another suicide as soon as he walks out the door." Then the more I thought about it, the more I pitied Freddie over Hester.
   And why is that, you may ask? Suicide, to put it simply, is selfish. Most people who take their lives only have one thought in their heads. It's all about them, all about how they can't be happy and get what they want. Hester was upset that Freddie forgot her birthday. In my mind, her attempt at suicide showed her true colors about that relationship. It was all about her. It was not about how Freddie felt. Her marriage to Bill was not about how he felt. It was all about her. I won't put names out, but I know someone who stayed with their spouse merely out of the reason that the spouse threatened to kill theirselves if the other left them. Needless to say that that particular relationship ended badly.
   So in short, I think Freddie did the right thing. It was hard and he knew the risk he was taking, but he couldn't live with someone who, if he didn't entirely make her happy, would end her life. That's not a stable relationship. Unless I have mistaken the ending, she didn't kill herself at the end; and I think it was because of Freddie's last act of kindness. He almost bailed out that very night, but decided to stay with her one more night before he left. Everything was packed in the morning and they had their sad farewell, where he said "Be safe." and she replied "Be good."
   Well, to say the least, I'm not entirely sure what I wanted to point out in this post; and I certinaly don't want anyone to think I am cruel to the people who struggle with suicide. That's definitely not what this is about, because I pity those people too. I suppose it's up to every individual to take from this what they like. I guess my main goal was not to put the people who voted for Hester down, but to give the frank and dangerous mindset of suicide. I've had my fair share of knowing what the mind can do when in a state of depression and I know that suicide is all about yourself. Other than that, the movie was very good. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to watch something that will make them think.

Emotionless Dancing and Mourning

   This summer has been spent in a lot of thought for me. I am constantly, however, reminded of a picture a friend of mine posted once on Tumblr. Though I do not remember the original artist or link of the photo, I can clearly recall what the picture held. It was the image of a man lying on a couch. A giant lightbulb had smashed his head, leaving blood on the floor and furniture. The lightbulb was cracked and pieces of it lay all over the place.
   The meaning of the picture? We think too much. Sometimes our thoughts can lead us to a sort of mental death, to a point where we can't think anymore, we can't live happily or in peace.
   This is precisely the place I have been trying to avoid going to. I know my thoughts can rule me, can push me to think the most unthinkable ideas. Even worse is when I am thinking of five or six different things at once. That truly makes me go mental and I have no way of talking to anyone with a straight conscience. I have been outruled by my unrelenting mind.
   And this leads me to ask the question of whether or not our thoughts are one cause of the misery and joylessness of life. Although I'm hardly a vigilant prayer person, I tried to go back to it today. In these moments, I sometimes open my Bible, hoping that there are words to find that will suit the prayer, since I hardly have the words left for such an act. Curious as to where my book-ribbon was, I flipped to the location of it. It was stuck in Matthew. I usually have reasons for the ribbon being in certain spots. Obviously there was a day in the past where I saw something that struck me and I decided to save it for another looking. I looked and looked on those pages today to see what I had saw that I liked. And I did. It started in chapter 11, verses 16 and 17:

      "To what can I compare this generation? They are like children sitting in the marketplaces and calling out to others: 'We played the pipe for you, and you did not dance; we sang a dirge, and you did not mourn.'"

   Of course, my first response to the verse is "Those are part of the lyrics in 'Torches Together' by Mewithoutyou!" My second response was a bit more sinister. What are we? What do we do with our minds and our actions? I cannot help but feel that we are the emotionless people of that generation spoken. Children are trying to cheer us up. They are singing and dancing; they are mourning and sad; but we have no emotions left to spare. We are the adults who have duties to pay heed to, familes to take care of, bills to pay, cars to fill, groceries to eat and thoughts to think on. There is no time for being happy or being sad. We can only be hard as stone, for letting ourselves be vulnerable through love and emotion is to surrender our wits and discipline.
   Is it? Is it really surrender? Can laughing and crying be all that bad? This is one area in which I see the ruling of our mind's thoughts as key to the trouble. After spending a lot of time this summer with my niece and nephew, I've learned that children understand the balance of emotions better than we do. They would cry if they didn't get their way or if they got hurt, but not long after that, they were back to their happy selves. There was the time for sadness, but they knew joy was just around the corner. Children have taught me a great deal. They have shown me that if I let my thoughts control me all the time, it could drive me into madness. If I just know when to dance to the flute or to mourn to the dirge, then I'll be on the right track. Tears are not a weakness and dancing is not a sin.
   Our generation needs to lighten up; that goes out to every person of every religion or no religion. If we take our lives too seriously, we'll kill ourselves from the inside. This isn't to say that I don't struggle with this part. I am very serious to the point that I can appear to be a jerk to some people. I apologize if any who read this got that impression from me. It's my stone-cold wall I've built because I don't want my emotions to get the best of me and I have a hard time trusting people.
   I've got to listen to the kids. I've got to be the emotions without shame.