True or Truth?

      I know I keep using the excuse “I’ve got no inspiration” for the lack of posts on my blog. It’s sad, really; hardly a good excuse. Why? It’s simple: because inspiration should not have to come beforehand. Sometimes, you’ve just got to write. It can be anything; but the point is, it will grow from that point on.

      Fall semester is coming to an end (praise Jesus!), although I wish it would end sooner. One of my classes is officially done, though. So now, I have only so much to worry about. However, I’m ready to move on. I grow tired of all the subjects I have been studying. That’s why it is so nice that we only get a semester’s worth of them. If it was the whole year…um…yeah, let’s not even think about that. Haha!

      Christmas is coming! Alright, I know that was quite a turn from my last statement; but who cares! I’m in utter happiness over the holidays! My house is decorated now, and I’ve had some delicious hot cocoa with gingerbread men marshmallows floating on top of it! I have been listening to all sorts of Christmas music (and it shall continue now at school). I’ve gotten some holiday shopping done, and now, I am anxiously awaiting for the snow to fall. We have only had a couple of flurries so far, which left no snow visible on the ground. Yes, traveling will be a hassle with that great white blanket overcoming us; but that’s what makes the holidays extra special!

      Okay, now that I am officially done geeking out about my childhood fantasies (teehee), let us move on to other subjects. Particularly, I would like to mention a discussion I had two days ago with a friend and her family. We had come back from their church, and went out to eat lunch. While waiting for our food, we talked about different translations of the Bible (or even different Bibles in general). It is a topic I have thought over multiple times this year; and it’s one that I believe is worth looking over. Lately, there have been questions in my mind as to the validity of the Bible. However, that discussion that took place really made me want to go in search of all sorts of Bibles, and examine and read them for myself. I can already imagine the looks or the comments I would get from a lot of people if I directly told them such an idea. They would probably think I am straying away from truth; but what is truth? How do we really know until we fully examine all the options out there? Perhaps, there are details we are missing because we’re too afraid to step out and see what is really out there. We shouldn’t have to fear the world. I don’t believe God would have wanted that. I mean…we live in the world. If we cower in our little shelters we’ve built, we’ll get nowhere.

      Anyways…that is just some thoughts to contemplate on. Ha! It’s rather ironic at how I go all ‘what is truth and the bible and blah blah blah’ right after mentioning my excitement over Christmas. Hopefully that does not clash too much. I still believe in Jesus. I still believe there are great things to be gained from Christianity. I’m just saying that we should not be afraid to find out what it is we are really believing and setting our sights on. Until another blog is posted, I wish you a happy week!

Memento Mori

This is my memento mori: that I will be forever haunted by it.

      Death is not a friendly face. We hate it, spit at it; we wish to declare ourselves immortal. This I seem to see most in the college atmosphere amongst the students. There is no second glance over their shoulders, or beyond the sidewalk they step on. Their life is decided; they know what they want.

      However, when I go home, he  returns. Grinning at me, he says he was there the whole time. I see the decay that time has passed onto the familiar faces in my life. It’s fascinating, yet terrifying. Suddenly, I’m aware of my surroundings; I can actually see everything. I realize that I’m battling my memento mori; but not only my own, but the people I love. I want to fight their fate for them; but inside, I know I cannot.

       Now the ironic part about memento mori and immortality is that I can only feel immortal by knowing memento mori. Silly, I know; but it’s logical. If we ignore death, we cannot fully live. By pretending we do not have a memento mori to come, we are just living without experiencing anything. Yes, you are more than welcome to say “Wait a minute! We do have experiences and we are living.” Yes, but how often do you just walk to class, eat, sleep, and work without really thinking about it? It becomes so basic, so normal that we do not notice anything else around us. We are therefore very close to resembling zombies (not in looks, of course).

      Maybe this is the connection between life and death; that one cannot live without the other. Pretending death is not there means we are already dead. Recognizing death makes us immortal; immortal in the sense that we know we’ll fade away from this world, but we still live on in another. So, we are not really dead. All we have left behind is our memento mori. All that is left is a memory, a reminder of who we were.

      No intimidation is meant, of course. I do not believe that we must always be in the thoughts of our death, of dying. However, let us be mindful of it. Let it wake us up to appreciate our lives a little more. In all honesty, I feel like the world would be a better place if we did this. Not only would we be immortal, but immortal in the knowledge that death leads to life.

"There's a light up ahead!"

No matter where you are, there is always some sort of light. It will normally come when you least expect it to. That light is something that will brighten your day, make every good feeling sweep through your being, leaving you rejoicing. Finally! You can conquer the world!

      Almost all of this week, I have been craving Christmas. Thanksgiving. Halloween. Fall. Winter. I don’t care! I’ve been craving it all! Today definitely felt like autumn, the chill in the air a bit more crisp than usual. I savored it. After a long day like today, that breeze made me believe that I could fly. And a few days ago, I even drank some holiday chai tea (I couldn’t resist it anymore! I had to!). Let that weather come! Let that cheer finally be heard through the streets, and in our homes!

      The holiday seasons are, of course, coming soon. We’ll be hit with them soon enough; but I just want them here so badly. I want it now! I know that this year around, there will be a lot of things that are different (or not tradition); but maybe it’s better that way.

      Besides my yearning for the days ahead, another particular subject that has been embedded in my head recently is ‘opinions’. What would it be like if we were not surrounded by constant views that differed from our own? I suppose our world would be rather boring if that were the case; but I’m just thinking about how life would be if we all just simply agreed. It would definitely take a lot of our problems away. I think of the one line from a Project 86 song, “We’ll find our solace in your silence.” Sometimes, that’s how I feel. I just want everyone to be quiet. The silence can either be deadly or endearing. I’d like to say that it delights me at this point. Opinions can leave a nasty taste on your tongue; especially in college. My classes are filled with the constant debate of worldviews. There are just days where I want to stand up from my desk and say, “How come you think we can just explain our worldviews? It’s not like you’ll agree with everyone here. Stop pushing it so much before we lose our own beliefs!” Okay, that may have been rather strong…but I think you all get the point. Sometimes, arguing your opinion is not only tiring to the one you’re trying to convince, but it makes you tired as well.

      Well, I believe that is all that is on my mind to report as of late. I suppose the only other statement I could make known is that I’m hoping sometime soon, by some miracle, I can actually do something I love. Please, let the opportunities be open and available, because I’m getting irritated and jumpy to do something adventurous!

Living Sleep

      I am a daydreamer. I am a dreamer. I am a dream and a nightmare.

      I, like a lot of you, get excited when I have a really good dream in my sleep, one that becomes memorable and means something to me. Though I cannot remember most of my dream last night, I do recall having boxes upon boxes of things I bought from the Weasley Wizard Wheezes (and trust me, if that store did exist, I would buy it out! Haha). In this dream, I was packing for college; it was my plan to bring all of those cool things, although my mother didn’t like the idea of me bringing some of the ones that would explode if you handled them a certain way. Haha, it’s too bad I don’t have any of those cool things, or else they would be here with me at college!     

      

      I have dreamt many other things though; and some of them were extremely violent, with me fighting for my life. However, despite having some intense nightmares as well as good dreams, I find them satisfying and thrilling. Why? Well, let me give you some ideas.

      We all find it easier to dream or daydream. That’s not hard to figure out; but once again, I must ask why? I believe it to be because we can have everything we want in them. We can finally have that one kiss we’ve always wanted, or be in that country that we’d only be able to imagine getting to in real life. Then again, what about the harsh dreams, the ones where we are fighting or fleeing? Even in these worlds, there is a sort of satisfaction; and that’s because despite the fear pumping through our veins, we still carry out what needs to be done. If we’ve got to fight back, our minds instantly say, “Do it! It’ll be worth it in the end!” Or if we’re running or trying to protect another person, our minds whisper, “You’re brave! With courage, you can win!”

      I laugh and smirk as I write this. That’s because I see something extremely ironic in these observations. In our sleep (nay, even when we doze off into a daydream), we know that in the end we’ll win. We know that one day, we can have something great; but what happens when you wake up? All those positive words of encouragement that your mind created in your sleep suddenly seem far away. We get out of bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, and go on with our normal lives, lives which most of us I’m sure are not even close to being fully happy with. We’re discontent. How come our lives are so boring? How come it hurts so much? Why can’t we just live in the stories we read and imagine, in dreams we dream?

      Well, here is the irony: the positive that we live out in our dreams is exactly what we should be telling ourselves in our everyday lives. When we are able to say in our sleep, “Fight! It’s worth it!” when we wake up, it turns into, “I can’t do this anymore. I just give up.” I’m not saying that each and every one of our dreams are good. Some of the are just plain awful, if there is no other word to describe it. However, maybe our dreams are trying to tell us something: that we are capable of winning, and that we can fight and know it’s for the better. In this world, it may not feel like we’ve got anything good, but that’s because we’ve got to look for it, and believe it’s there. The courage we need everyday is in our head; we just refuse to hear it when we’re awake.

      Just something to chew on for the day…but now, I must go into the reality of homework that needs to be read before tomorrow. I will take my dreams advice, and look at those books and say, “In the end, I can win!”

     

Friends and Struggles

      Today, I received a lovely letter from a friend. Holding the piece of paper in my hands, seeing the gentle stroke of the pen across its service…I couldn’t help but smile. It was a special moment. Why? Because it shows that someone loves me, and are willing to take the time to make such a letter of friendship for me.

      I know I ask this question a lot, but why don’t we write letters anymore? Yes, it’s hard with all the technology we have in our hands now. If we really needed to tell someone something, we’d just get on facebook, or e-mail them. Could this be the reason that sometimes I feel like my friendships don’t matter?  Is it because we are only willing to give one-worded answers to each other, or a simple ‘like’ on a recent status? This shouldn’t be what friends are; friends have sssssooooo much more.

      Alright, be prepared for a major Nerd Grace moment; but it’s coming to you all the same if you keep reading this! Anyways, I am almost finished with the 4^th Harry Potter book; but a thought struck me today as I was reading a couple more chapters. There were a couple of times while I was reading those books that I would think, “Man, why do I love these stories so much? What makes them stand out to me, and so many other people out there in the world?” Well, I found one of the reasons for this today (and whether it relates to anyone else is up to them to decide). I believe that we see the friendships in those stories, and we secretly long for them. Even in the families, we see this too. We see how tight they are through thick and thin, how involved they are with each others lives. They share everything together; and even when they get mad, they find a way of getting around and coming back.

      I have a few friendships that can be somehow put into those categories; the unfortunate thing about it, though, is that those friends don’t live near me. Instead, we are all facing different adventures in different places. When that happens, you kind of lose that touch. You don’t ignore them. You still keep in contact, but it’s just not the same. They’re not there with you to be your buddy that sticks by your side through everything. That is what I wish I had right now. I read those stories and think, “How come I can’t have that at college?”

      Ah yes, college is just around the corner for me. In a manner of days, I’ll be heading back to that school again; and I wish I could be just as thrilled as everyone else. People keep telling me to be happy, but they’re not in my shoes. They don’t know what I feel, what I went through my freshman year. There is a part of me that is a bit excited about another new year; but what will that year bring? Will it be the same as before? In all honesty, I just want to get to do the things I love right NOW. I don’t want to take pointless classes just to get somewhere; and I most certainly don’t want to go through another year that has me bound in chains of solitude. I wish I had the close knit friends in school like so many others do; but I don’t. I have splendid people I know there, but not very many that I can just go and tell them anything, whatever is on my mind.

      Let’s put it this way: growing up is hard, and being an adult hurts. However, adults don’t try to soothe that hurt; instead, they fuel the fire, saying that’s just life, and you live through it. Even someone I know said, in so many words, that we shouldn’t be striving to be happy. What? What a worthless life that would be! Yes, we’ll struggle; but I don’t see that as a means to avoid ever being happy, ever putting a smile on your face. How will I ever get to where I want to be?

Sailing Where?

Ever heard the saying that time can heal? Well, what if there is a scar left on you, as though you never fully healed to begin with? Instead of disappearing, it still haunts you?

      I can’t say for sure what kind of boat or ship I’m sailing on right now. All I know is that I’m moving in a whirlpool, not in any specific direction. The hands of the water have taken hold of my ride, and are trying to make me dizzy, and incapable of making any true decision. Is this a good thing or bad?

      I have many fears, ones that will not leave me alone. Somehow, during this summer, I have managed to shove some of them away, in some secret corner. However, its eyes still glared at me while I was having a happy, content life. It was whispering to me: you know you have to go back, you know you’ve got to make a decision, you know people are watching your moves, you know you can’t be with them.

      Oh! How I wish I could silence that voice! Maybe blasting my music to its highest level would drown that snarling! But even that would not keep it quiet for long. I’ll bet it haunts everyone else too; it slithers into our rooms, into our minds, and makes our nightmares a reality. It did that to me two nights ago. I barely slept, rolling from side to side, and waking up tired every couple of hours. By the time my alarm went off, I had no energy, no yearning to do anything except lay there and wish I would slowly fade away.

      Even my phone played an evil trick on me today! I was trying to leave a friend an important message. Barely did I get through it when the machine woman says ‘If you are satisfied with your message, press 1.’ Even a fake person won’t let me get a word in about how I feel. What’s happening to me?

      There are so many dreams I dream, so many wishes I wish, and so many yearnings I yearn for. I don’t want to just be another busy person in the world, making their way to pay the bills and make ends meet. I want to live passionately, living each yearning, dream, and wish I’ve ever thought of! I want to be with my real friends all the time, and have adventures with them through anything and everything.

      The only downside of this is that somehow, by some unforeseen force, all of that is being pushed away from me. Am I to live on my own, in a dark hole, wishing I didn’t exist? Oh August, why did you have to show your face? Many are happy to see you, but the closer you come, the more my stomach turns. You’re going to take me away from everything I love…

Why do we try?

      Sometimes, summer can be a time of complete boredom, with nothing to do except to play on your computers the games you’ve already mastered. However, there are summers where you’ll find so many different, unexpected moments that you’re not sure how to juggle them all at once. I guess you can say I’ve had a mix in both of these categories. Perhaps I can give an example?

      My boredom I would quench normally by either reading a book, writing music, watching movies, writing in general, cleaning, or the typical ‘I-have-nothing-better-to-do-than-to-be-on-facebook’. Of course, there are other activities I would make up as well, but of which I cannot name at this point in time.

      When I am doing something in particular, I find myself in so many different worlds. Yes, I say worlds because each person’s mind contains a particular reality that they live in. Even I live in a different world….sometimes ‘worlds’, but that would be too much to explain at the moment.

      One thing I have noticed a lot over my past school year, and quite vividly this summer is the diversity amongst Christians. When I talk to different church people, I’m amazed at the words that come out of their mouth. I can also become irritated when they become repetitive in the reasons for their problems, and how they have been taught in the Word.

      Then, I had a friend of mine tell me some amazing stuff about God, and what the gospel is really saying; and sadly, so many churches are missing it. I won’t go into the giant detail of it all, for it would take pages to write. However, I can tell you the one thing I have noticed a great deal over this summer: we try too much.

      Let me explain. How many times have you heard people in church saying, “We’re not perfect.” “I try to be good.” or “Beware your sinful flesh.”? I think we’ve all heard these close to a hundred times. It gets tiresome, exhausting, and just plain annoying. We are constantly pushing ourselves down, telling each other what’s right and wrong, and making a giant effort to do the ‘right thing’. Are we mad? Have we not heard the gospel message over a thousand times? Are we still blind?

      Christ paid the ultimate price on the cross. On that cross, He set us free. Free. FREE! He said that the old flesh no longer had dominion over us, that we are not chained to sin anymore. We’ve got the Holy Spirit inside of us, living in us. We are a new creation, because our old selves got crucified to that cross. Now, can you see where those previous comments clash this statement? By saying all the above, we’re almost screaming out, “Christ’s sacrifice wasn’t enough!” We say that we’re saved through God’s grace, but what do we keep doing? We keep trying to justify ourselves, and be good. We’re trying. As far as I’m concerned, there is nowhere in the Bible that is says Christ’s death demanded a price from us, that He needed us to beat ourselves into being good. That horrible death on the cross was a gracious gift, the gift of freedom. That way, we wouldn’t have to try and be good anymore. Trying was back then; now, we are free!

      There is so much more I could say on this matter, but I’ll hold my tongue till another time. Basically, this summer, I have seen many different struggles that people are in, mainly that they are trying too hard, when the truth is they don’t have to. I believe that’s why I have been so upset over churches I go to, and my college. I keep seeing the same burdens, and the same beatings. Now, I realize their burdens are not mine to bear. With all the different opinions in the church, I tended to take it all on myself; but I now understand that I shouldn’t carry all that on my back. If people disagree with me and my ways, that’s their own problem. It’s true; I’m growing tired of the church; but I’m starting to think that it’s the church buildings that are the issue.

True Fasting

      So, what does CherishPayne mean? As of now, I am still debating that to myself. It is a name I always fancied, and I want to use it in one of the stories I am writing. At first, it was going to be in its own tale, one that seemed very much like a Tim Burton world. However, I changed my mind on that, and found it easier to just include it in something else. Cherish Payne was a name for the one character, but it may turn out to be more of a riddle if I actually use it. Sorry to disappoint anyone who was desperately curious about the mystery of my blog name. ;) Even I am still figuring it out.

      We shall now commence into a different subject. As to some of the events of today, I got up this morning and prepared myself some Starbucks coffee. Then later, after having some lunch, I randomly gazed at all the books I own that were sitting in my room. It may be hard to understand why doing such a thing could bring joy into my heart; but when you are a book lover, there is nothing like it! =)

      Anyways, it was after this specific moment that I snatched my old Bible up, and went to have a read, my mug of coffee still warm in my hands. I have a habit of flipping through the Bible just to see what I’ll find (and in this Bible, I have so much highlighted or underlined that I couldn’t possibly miss anything). Then, my eyes were caught on a passage in Isaiah that made me think more deeply on the matters of fasting. Here is what I read:

      “Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord? Is not this kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter – when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.”         - Isaiah 58:5-8

      How are we fasting? In reading this, I was taken back to the times when I used to do the 30 hour famines at my church, and we would not eat anything for all those hours. It was painful, and we were counting down the minutes till we got to eat again. Now, when I recall those days, I realize that those moments were not just about us getting closer to God; it was about getting closer to the kids that we were fasting for. All those people who were dying because they had nothing to eat, and were drinking filthy water: we were fasting for them. It was our way of getting closer to these people, and to feel a piece of the pain that they experience every day. That is true fasting. It’s not about us; it is about others. We fast so we can pray and lift up the chained, and the poor. Fasting for ourselves, after reading these verses, becomes rather silly. If we are only fasting for our own needs, it doesn’t change anything. Say, you decided to fast from Facebook. That’s all good and such; but after the fast is done, what do you do? You go back on Facebook. So, you see, it doesn’t really do anything for us. It’s almost like we are trying to purify ourselves, thinking God will be pleased. We’re better off in just believing that God has already cleansed us than to think we have to keep trying to be good.

      I believe that is my main thought of the day that I wanted to share. I thought it would be worthwhile, in case we ever come to question what true fasting is, or if it is worth it. Also, no worries, CherishPayne will one day become something special in my stories. I’ve just got to find the right place to put it. =)

Time to Live it Up

      “DJ, turn it up! It’s about damn time to live it up! I’m so sick of being so serious! It’s making my brain delirious!”

      Granted, I’m not a huge Kesha fan; but I do like a couple of her songs. The one quoted above happens to be one of my favorites. Whenever I listen to it, I feel like I can do anything, I can conquer the world!

      This makes me wonder whether we are all being too serious in our everyday lives. It makes me curious if this is the reason that so many of us are not satisfied. I’m not saying we should go out, get drunk, and make ourselves useless. There are many ways for us to enjoy life; but do we grasp them once they are exposed?

      You see, I’m at a stage in life where I want to make the most of what I do; I want to live in an adventure story. Unfortunately, most of the responses we get about growing up tend to be negative. “Well, you need to do this and that; and then later, you’ll do this and that. And that’s your life story.” Listen! We don’t have to follow the typical way of living! The routine doesn’t always have to be the same day after day after day.

      In case some of you have not noticed, I’m quite a fan of stories. I love to read them, I love to write them, and I love to imagine them. I cannot help but wonder if the very reason we love these tales so much is because they bring to reality something that we don’t have and we somehow hope will come to be.  When I read, I’m thrown into another time, another world, where I can do anything! I can be the hero, the damsel in distress, the hooded figure who has a secret mission. No matter what it is, I can be all of them. It’s the journey we all desperately want; but we have no idea how to get there.

      Whether people believe me or not, I’m willing to say that those things could happen. They are not lost in the wind. Maybe we’re too lazy, or too scared. The only reason we don’t live an adventure is because we don’t want to get hurt. These are just assumptions, mind you. I’m only saying what’s on my heart; but I pray that somehow, in some way, I can be part of something far bigger than anything I could have possibly conjured up on my own. Let’s live our dreams, no matter what the world says!

Tests to Test

   There is nothing like being with family; and there is nothing like being with friends who know and love you just as though they are your family. I got to spend some lovely time with two of my sisters this week, and I enjoyed it very much! It is in moments such as those that I wish they would never end. There always seems to be an adventure in the events that are not entirely planned.
   Well, as I promised in the last blog entry, I would explain the name and quote on my blog. As for today, I will explain the quote (for the name may take more time). The quote is from a poem I wrote for one of my classes at college this past spring semester. I had made up that line for the longest time, yet I was not sure what to use it for. Then, the opportunity came up, and I realized I could use that sentence in a poem. The poem itself was an expression of what I had gone through in that year of college, which was a hard year for me. However, those difficulties cannot hold me down. Yes, they will and they still do. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am not bound by those chains unless I want to be.
   So, without further words to say, I'll let my poem speak for itself. I hope you all enjoy it, and get some encouragement from it!

  

“Safe in Being Hurt”                   :by Grace Vorisek

When I look back at what I was, I see one flesh.

Now, only scars remain, the ones from my old

Self. No matter how much I try to erase them,

They won’t leave, the mere touch being cold.

However, I’m thankful for those scars, that

Reminder of what I was. I can now look at all

Those bruises with joy, because they are my

Memory of the things I have learned to call,

Not my crutch, but my support. They will keep

Me standing up, when I feel like I’ve learned

Nothing, when in fact I have. That is the good

That comes from pain, we come back as sheep

To our Lord, because his home will always last.

In this place, reality takes hold, and I can gladly,

Cry ‘Here is my freedom! The incomprehensible

Feeling of hanging on edge, and falling fast!’

"The Beginning is the End is the Beginning."

Hello, bloggers!
   This is my first blog....but that would not be entirely true. I used to blog in the old days, when people actually cared to read what was on your mind for the day. Unfortunately, we are starting to lose that. I hope that in keeping a blog of my own, I won't lose the passion of writing (for it is still, in many different ways, my passion).
   You may be curious as to the title of this blog. It is the name of a song by the Smashing Pumpkins. I don't really listen to them, but ever since I heard that song on a movie trailer, it's never left my mind. It also makes me think of the dream I had last night in my sleep. It was great, but quite deep. I will not bother to actually explain everything that happened in this dream. It would be too long (trust me, I wrote it down on paper when I woke up, and it went to six pages!). However, the name of that song and my dream seem to match each other in a strange way. The things happening in my dream were the beginning of something terrible; but that horrible thing was the end to a new beginning. I love it when I have crazy dreams like that. I wish I had not woken up. It was getting too good!
   So, I guess at this moment, I am hoping that this blog will be of use, and entertaining. I will now continue to listen to OneRepublic, and I will find an interesting way of explaining the name of my blog and the quote underneathe (for there are, of course, stories hidden in them as well). Have a lovely night!

                                                                                           Grace