Sailing Where?

Ever heard the saying that time can heal? Well, what if there is a scar left on you, as though you never fully healed to begin with? Instead of disappearing, it still haunts you?

      I can’t say for sure what kind of boat or ship I’m sailing on right now. All I know is that I’m moving in a whirlpool, not in any specific direction. The hands of the water have taken hold of my ride, and are trying to make me dizzy, and incapable of making any true decision. Is this a good thing or bad?

      I have many fears, ones that will not leave me alone. Somehow, during this summer, I have managed to shove some of them away, in some secret corner. However, its eyes still glared at me while I was having a happy, content life. It was whispering to me: you know you have to go back, you know you’ve got to make a decision, you know people are watching your moves, you know you can’t be with them.

      Oh! How I wish I could silence that voice! Maybe blasting my music to its highest level would drown that snarling! But even that would not keep it quiet for long. I’ll bet it haunts everyone else too; it slithers into our rooms, into our minds, and makes our nightmares a reality. It did that to me two nights ago. I barely slept, rolling from side to side, and waking up tired every couple of hours. By the time my alarm went off, I had no energy, no yearning to do anything except lay there and wish I would slowly fade away.

      Even my phone played an evil trick on me today! I was trying to leave a friend an important message. Barely did I get through it when the machine woman says ‘If you are satisfied with your message, press 1.’ Even a fake person won’t let me get a word in about how I feel. What’s happening to me?

      There are so many dreams I dream, so many wishes I wish, and so many yearnings I yearn for. I don’t want to just be another busy person in the world, making their way to pay the bills and make ends meet. I want to live passionately, living each yearning, dream, and wish I’ve ever thought of! I want to be with my real friends all the time, and have adventures with them through anything and everything.

      The only downside of this is that somehow, by some unforeseen force, all of that is being pushed away from me. Am I to live on my own, in a dark hole, wishing I didn’t exist? Oh August, why did you have to show your face? Many are happy to see you, but the closer you come, the more my stomach turns. You’re going to take me away from everything I love…