It Only Lasts So Long

       Is it so difficult to make friend? Is it so hard to be friendly?

      Sitting in this coffee shop, sipping a heath mocha, and reading “The Awakening” by Kate Chopin are now my strange relief from the cold world. Of course, trying to read for school is a chore. The point of the matter is that I’m alone. I can finally think…or can’t I?

      Do I really want to be alone? The truth is that I don’t. The truth is that I want to have friends. I want to be in a friendly environment. I want to really be heard once in a while.

      Sadly, even at a Christian college, you cannot find this.

      This statement seems to change everything that I grew up to believe. The Christian body has become nothing but a mere crowd of people. If anything, they are the biggest liars.

      Perhaps this is going too far; but how do we know? I believe we can only trust God (and occasionally ourselves). No preacher or church member is ever going to give you every right answer or every good gesture…but doesn’t God want us to have company and friends? I find this hard to contemplate, considering every year takes more and more people away from me. My world consists of nothing but change. I can never be constant. No, I take that back. I can be constant; my surroundings never are.

      So why is this the case? I suppose my main focus is on the whole ‘friendship’ ordeal. I don’t think it is so much me not being able to attain friends as much as it is me being incapable of making friends. And college seems to be the worst place to attain them. Granted, I’ve got friends; but they’ll be gone sooner than later. By next year, I’ll have to start all over again, as though I were a freshman.

      I wonder how many other people have had to experience what I have gone through. I doubt I’m the only one who has dealt through these cards before. Sometimes, my mind feels like a completely different entity compared to the rest of this place. I get put on the back-burner, hoping that I cannot feel any more pain. Or, I try to quench the flames, and be brave as though nothing is happening.

      I hope this does not seem to say that I am continuously negative about life. I love life. It is in me somewhere…but hardly at present. One day, I’ll find it again without having coffee or tea (or even a pleasant book) to be the main source.